Feel Me Fall Page 15

  If I had ever been caught in my own Hitchcockian dolly-zoom, this was it. I fought the urge to get off the plane then and there. Luckily, I’d pawned a couple of my mother’s Ativan and after scrounging in my cross-body bag I popped one. In that moment, I felt a kinship with my mother and understood how overwhelming life could be. These pills were like mental Band-Aids. Every minute that passed brought relief as calm infused my body. I made sure to keep my bag close in case I needed any more.

  Once all the students were settled, Johannes found our row and moved awkwardly past Viv. She mouthed to me, still having no idea of my relationship, nice butt.

  “Hi, Mr. DeKoning,” I said, suppressing a smile.

  “Hi, Ms. Liu. Ms. Duran.” He sat in the middle, totally professional, totally at ease, and very debonair with two women flanking him.

  Minutes later, the engines revved, the jet rolled down the tarmac, and we were floating up and into the air, and I remembered Johannes’ take on flying and thought: William Shakespeare would love this, indeed.

  In the jungle, Viv sat across from me. Everyone else had gotten up. In a matter of seconds, she went from being my best friend to my former best friend. I wanted her to lash out, scream and yell, call me names, push me into the dirt, anything to give voice to her betrayal. And yet nothing she could do would make me feel worse or more punished than I felt already. I thought of all the times I’d heard her laugh, her joyful giggle, and I knew I would never hear it again. Not with me, at least. Relationships took so long to build, and yet all it took was one loose thread to unravel everything.

  I hated myself. There were no words, just a hole. A deep, never-ending hole and me falling into it.

  Viv remained quiet, and I didn’t meet her face.

  “Viv,” I said, “It’s not what you think. It happened once. It happened before you were dating. We were just hanging out and….” I trailed off. “It’s no excuse. I should’ve told you. I meant to tell you. That’s why I never wanted to hang out with you guys. It was too awkward and I felt like I was keeping a secret, and the more I kept it inside, the bigger it got. The more time went on, the more I thought: don’t ruin your friendship, no one has to know, no one will ever know.”

  But I always knew. It’s the reason I went to prom with Derek. I was paying back a debt to the universe, balancing out the scales. Putting out good karma to alleviate the bad. I don’t think it mattered in the end.

  “I feel terrible, Viv, but...I’m also relieved. Even if I’m not your friend anymore, I’m glad you know.”

  I waited for Viv to reply and realized I never said I was sorry. I met her eyes to tell her and the look on her face stopped me. I was expecting anger or tears, maybe shock, but what was scarier was her calmness. Her perma-smile was gone, replaced with the face of a mannequin, cold and empty.

  “I’m sorry,” I sputtered. “I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take it all back.”

  I began crying and the tears were warm on my face. I’d been trying to stay strong these past few days, and I let it out. This trip had ruined everything. I had ruined everything.

  My body heaved, and I felt so alone. My best friend was gone. We were lost. I was lost.

  Then I felt Viv’s body around mine, her arms around me. For a split second, I thought she might be getting into position to strangle me. Instead, she hugged me. Viv was hugging me, which only made me feel worse.

  “Em,” she said. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Yes, it does.”

  “Nothing matters. We’ll pretend it never happened.”

  “But it did.”

  She released her hug and looked me right in the eye. “Nothing happened, Emily. Nothing ever happened.” Viv stood up and walked away.

  The rest of the group lingered on the outskirts, pretending not to watch. Whatever fireworks they expected, they didn’t get. I wanted to shout show’s over! Actually, I wanted to go back in time to have never gotten on that plane, to have never gone to that party. So many things, so many regrets.

  Nico stood away from the group, looking off into the distance.

  I pressed up from the mud and approached him. I wanted to slap him. “Why did you do that?”

  “I don’t expect you to understand, Em. There was my life before the crash, and then there’s whatever it’ll be after. I don’t have a past anymore. Only this. And I want to move forward.”

  “It’s the worst thing you could’ve done.”

  “You’re one to talk.”

  What was done was done, yet I didn’t want the crash to take everything from us. I needed us to come out of this experience stronger, not weaker.

  “What about prom? Didn’t you two, you know?”

  “We did. But you know who I was thinking about the whole time?” He found my eyes. “The only reason I hung out with her was to be close to you. There, I said it. I thought, maybe over time, you’d see me. Like you did that night.”

  I almost laughed. Here was Nico, a guy I used to like in another life, a guy I was too shy to talk to, only to end up with him and to find out he liked me, too. The universe gave me everything I ever wanted, just at the wrong time.

  I said, “It’s never going to happen, Nico.”

  His face fell. I think he always held out hope. Without hope, he grew cold. “I see,” he said. “I guess I have my answer.”

  “I think you do.”

  “Then I know what I need to do.”

  “What does that even mean?”

  “It means I’m done.”

  At least there was closure. I could move on. Viv could move on. Nico could move on. As I watched him walk away, I died a little inside.

  After that, Viv ignored Nico. She didn’t even glance at him. It was like he didn’t exist. She wasn’t much better with me. At night, Nico slept next to Derek and Viv slept next to Molly. I slept alone. As exhausted and sore as I was, my guilty conscience conspired to keep me awake.

  Could I repair my relationship? Was it possible?

  Help me, I implored silently.

  I thought I had known loneliness. It was nothing compared to now. I was banished. An outcast.

  I watched as everyone’s breathing slowed and one by one, they fell asleep. I must have followed shortly thereafter for suddenly it was morning, bringing with it the same screeches and whirring insects, the mud on our faces dry and cracked. I took a breath of air, sat up and stretched. Lifting my shirt, I could see the outline of my ribcage. All the magazines I read had made that xylophone bone seem sexy and so out of reach, and now I was showing signs of it. I wasn’t flattered; I was starving. I rolled my shirt back down.

  Looking over the rest of us, I noticed Derek slept alone. Nico was missing. I waited, listening to see if he was in the wall of green, but the constant noise made it difficult. Minutes passed. A bathroom break wouldn’t have taken that long. I held off waking everyone up, as I didn’t think the group could handle any more drama.

  So I waited.

  He’s trying to gather some mushrooms, that’s all.

  The sun continued to rise.

  I tried to rationalize: he’s off doing…doing what? What excuse could there be?

  Something was wrong.

  “Guys! Guys!” I got up and shook them awake. They looked at me, eyes glazed with sleep. “Nico’s gone.”

  Viv didn’t ask a single question.

  Derek said, “How long?”

  “I don’t know. Fifteen, twenty minutes?”

  Derek rose and took in the empty space next to his bed. He stood up, trying to see movement in the distance. He cupped his mouth and yelled, “Ni-co! Ni-co!”

  By now all of us were up, Molly, too, searching our campsite and the outskirts.

  I said, “I don’t see any blood. Or signs of his clothes.” That had to be a good sign, right?

  Molly said, “Where would he have gone?”

  Derek said, “Can’t be far. There’s nothing out there.”

  We screamed his name, waiting for a reply.


  Nothing.

  “Guys.” We turned. It was Viv.

  “The bag. The bag with the food. It’s gone.”

  Chapter 21

  My cross-body bag filled with mushrooms was gone. So was Nico. He must’ve stolen the food during the night and left. That’s what he meant when he said he knew what he had to do. I shouldn’t have been surprised—anyone who would break up with his girlfriend under these circumstances was selfish beyond repair. But I was. Desperation either brought people together or it ripped them apart. Nico had made his choice.

  Anger and frustration flashed across our faces. I could feel us contract from each other; no one was to be trusted. If Nico had taken the food and run off, then anyone was capable of anything.

  Viv shook her head. “Why? Why did he do it? Where does he think he’s going to go?”

  Derek said, “I don’t know what he’s thinking. He doesn’t know the first thing about survival.”

  I didn’t think he was thinking at all. He was running; away from us; away from me. In anger or disgrace, I didn’t know. Maybe he realized what a huge mistake he’d made and had a delayed reaction. Rather than stay, he left. He and his foolish pride.

  Molly said, “I told you I didn’t steal the food before. See?”

  It didn’t prove anything. Molly could’ve taken the food the first time. Hell, anyone could have. But I didn’t want to argue.

  Derek spotted something on the ground. He walked from the wall of green. “He didn’t go into the jungle.” Muddy footprints led to the river’s edge. “He’s walking along the river.”

  “How far is he?”

  “He’s got a good head start, that’s for sure.” Derek grabbed his hatchet and walked off.

  Viv said, “You’re going after him?”

  Derek turned. “I’m going after our food.”

  We scampered after Derek as he followed the footprints, and as he said, they led to the water’s edge. The river was wide, the current strong. Nico wasn’t going to swim and he wasn’t going to head back to the crash site. That left only one direction and we took it. After a few paces, Derek stooped over. He came back with the remnants of a mushroom stem. The insult was made even greater by Nico’s waste.

  Viv asked, “What are you going to do when you find him?”

  Derek turned the hatchet in his hands. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”

  Nico must’ve gotten quite a head start, for it was at least a couple of hours before we spotted him hedging close to the water’s edge. He was still a few football fields out. I wondered what was the point of either us following, or him running. We were all heading in the same direction, bound to end up in the same place. The only thing certain was awkwardness when we all met again.

  But seeing him increased the group’s determination and our tempo increased.

  “Nico,” I shouted, and he turned around.

  Almost simultaneously, Derek hissed, “Why did you do that? Now he knows we’re here.”

  “It’s not like we were going to sneak up on him.”

  Nico saw us, and maybe we seemed like a mob chasing after Frankenstein’s monster, Derek’s hatchet reflecting the sun, and he bolted off.

  “Nico! Don’t! We’re not going to hurt you! We just want the food!” If he heard my cries, he didn’t stop. He started running over the uneven terrain. Like dogs chasing prey, the group only seemed more intent on catching him. I overheard Molly telling Derek, “….stole our food. Can’t let him get away with it.” We’d become a posse and Nico was the outlaw. I almost wished he’d get away. Almost.

  We continued this slow-speed chase for most of the day, the sun beating down, him ahead, us behind, sometimes gaining, sometimes lagging, this stalemate of walking, and for what? Mushrooms? Or vengeance?

  “Guys,” I said. “Forget him. Let’s just go foraging. We need food.” The sticky humid air was sapping my strength.

  “We’ll get food, all right,” Derek said, his face glistening with sweat. “We’ll get food.”

  “I meant now.”

  Derek didn’t break his stride. “If we let Nico get away with it, then everyone knows they can do the same thing.”

  There were so many things wrong with that statement. “What are you talking about? No one’s going to do it again.”

  “That’s what we thought the first time.”

  I wanted to tell him I thought he had stolen the food the first time. I held my tongue. The accusation would only sow more distrust. I said, “I thought we just wanted his food.”

  “Plan changed.” Clearly, the journey had made him angry, every step bringing into focus our lack of food, fueling our mission, even though we always intended to go this direction.

  “I’m not wasting my energy,” I said, “chasing down one of our friends—to what? Beat him up? How will that help?”

  “He’s not our friend. Not anymore.”

  “Just let him go.”

  “You go,” Derek spat. “If you want.”

  I looked from face to face and no one took my side. Not even Viv.

  Now I knew how Derek felt right after the crash when we landed on shore and he wanted to turn toward the crash site, but no one would go with him. I didn’t want to be alone. I couldn’t be alone. I could survive with the group. Without it, I was nothing. Hating my weakness, I trudged along with them.

  Our group mentality gave us the strength and purpose in spite of our hunger. Ahead, Nico stumbled, and I could sense his tiredness, his weakening resolve. I doubted he would try to hide: there were too many stinging insects and unknowns lurking under every leaf. We gained, minute-by-minute, while he slowed. As he saw us, he gave a last spurt of energy and ran.

  “Viv,” I said. “Are you gonna let this happen?”

  “What do you want me to do?”

  “Tell Derek to stop. He’ll listen to you.”

  Viv considered, seconds passing. She said quietly, “Nico stole our food.”

  I was too stunned to move. Viv’s damsel-in-distress was gone and it its place was someone I didn’t recognize. I watched as Molly and Viv walked ahead of me. I wondered if we were worth saving at all.

  “Nico!” Derek yelled, his lean body hopping over stumps and exposed tree roots like a forest creature. “Give us our food! You stole our food!”

  Throw the bag, I mentally implored. Just throw the bag and run.

  Nico disappeared behind a bend of trees. Derek quickly caught up and followed. They couldn’t be more than a few yards apart by now. Behind the wall of green, I heard a long scream and then it abruptly stopped. The silence terrified me.

  Molly and Viv rushed into the jungle and out of view.

  More silence.

  I was alone as I ran on the river’s edge, my mind racing, imagining scenarios, each one worse than the next, and then I turned into the overgrowth.

  Ahead of me, Viv, Derek, and Molly stood on the lip of a rock crevice. Nico was nowhere in sight.

  No, please, no….

  Derek told me, his arm outstretched like a traffic cop, “Watch your step.”

  I carefully approached the lip, wary of slipping, and saw it was the edge of a small cliff. It reminded me of a miniature Grand Canyon. I held on to a nearby tree branch. I didn’t want to see, but I had to. I had to know.

  About three stories below, Nico’s body lay at the bottom, his legs splayed at an impossible angle. It was far enough down that he’d had time to think, time to realize what was happening. The scream had been his.

  I cupped my hands to my face and my breath left me. No one said anything. Out in the open, wind whipped against us.

  “What happened?”

  Derek said, “I ran after him. He didn’t see the cliff until it was too late. He couldn’t stop….”

  A thought came unbidden: Did Nico fall? Or was he pushed?

  Derek saw something in my face, a question on my lips. “I’m not a murderer, Em.”

  No one had seen anything. We had to believe him on
faith. But if Derek had poisoned Ryan….

  Nico was pushed, Nico was pushed.

  Molly, unsure, stepped back from the edge.

  Yet, there was nothing to be done. Nothing to prove. We would keep our secrets and survive. Survival trumped all.

  I lied. “I believe you.”

  Viv stayed looking over at Nico, her face devoid of expression.

  I had the weirdest thought she would jump after him, falling into death like a Romeo and Juliet story playing itself out in the wild. I stepped to her. “Viv?”

  When she met my eyes, I knew I was wrong. I sensed she wanted to push me. My body tensed, but I stayed right there as if daring Fate. If my best friend was going to kill me, then maybe this is the penance I needed, the penance I deserved.

  “He’s still breathing,” she said, as though reciting a fact in class.

  Once again I looked over the side, rooting my feet as firmly as I could into the ground.

  Below me, amid the silence, Nico’s chest swelled in and out.

  “He’s alive,” I said.

  I scanned the jungle floor and saw a way down. It wasn’t a path—nothing near a trodden path—but it was traversable if I was careful. If I was very careful.

  I asked Viv, “Did you want to say goodbye?”

  “He said goodbye to me, remember?”

  How fast love turns to hate.

  I moved to the small opening leading downward and held onto a branch. Walking backwards, I made sure my foot was on steady ground before shifting my weight to the next foot. The angle was steep, but luckily not a straight drop. I grasped the tree roots like gnarled ropes, one foot at a time, careful not to slip, and it reminded me of my road trips to Joshua Tree National Park and climbing rock formations.

  No one followed. They watched me from the lip as I snaked my way further and further down, tiny avalanches of dirt matching my descent. I never liked heights. My body was anxious at being so far out of my comfort zone. I concentrated on my breath. In and out, steadying my rhythm.

  More roots, more steps.

  The closer I got to the bottom, I realized Nico hadn’t just fallen; he’d tumbled, hitting branches that were now bent, and jagged rock in his split-second but eternal drop.