Feel Me Fall Read online

  Everyone stood around, my head level with their knees. Derek had discarded his remaining shoe, preferring to go barefoot rather that walk lopsided.

  I asked him, “Aren’t you worried about stepping on something?”

  “It’s what indigenous people do.” He wiggled his toes. “Everything seems ship-shape so far.”

  Ryan said, “You like this place too much.”

  Derek shrugged. I glanced at Ryan’s prosthetic leg and thought at least he was safe if he startled a snake. No snakebite for him. His handicap was suddenly an asset.

  The water continued to fill the hole. Once it was complete, I offered Molly the first drink. She sat next to me and slurped the water down.

  The hole wasn’t that big and she continued to drink. I didn’t want to be rude to someone pregnant, but still. I held my irritation.

  It was Viv who said, “Save some for the rest of us.”

  Molly rose from the trough, streaks of brown dribbling down her chin. “Sorry.”

  As we took turns drinking what little remained, Derek asked Molly, “So, does the guy know? About you being…?” He gestured as if he had a big belly.

  She wiped her face and licked the beads of water from her hand. “No.”

  “You haven’t told him yet?” Derek said more to himself. “Damn, that would suck.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not? Don’t you think he has a right to know?”

  She paused and then said simply, “He’s dead.”

  That silenced us. I thought of her not only being a teen mom, but of the child growing up without a father. I’d grown up without one and though I couldn’t miss what I never had, I wondered what it would’ve been like to have a dad. I was jealous of ‘Daddy’s girls’. There was something inherently safe knowing that of all the guys in the world, there was at least one who had your best interest at heart.

  Viv asked, “When?”

  Molly didn’t answer.

  I understood. “He was on the plane, wasn’t he?”

  Molly hesitated and then nodded.

  “Oh, God, Molly,” I said. “I’m so sorry.”

  Viv asked, “Was he in our group? The Riverdale Academy group?”

  Another nod.

  Derek said, “Who was he then? Pete Conlin?”

  Ryan waited for Molly to answer. If his friend was with her, clearly Ryan had no idea.

  “No. Somebody else.”

  Nico said, “You don’t have to say, Molly.”

  Derek interjected. “He’s dead. What does it matter?”

  Molly stood up, making some internal decision. “He was….” We waited for her to say. “He was my teacher.” Molly found my eyes. “Mr. DeKoning.”

  The world stopped. My world stopped. I must have blanked out for a moment. Did I hear her right?

  “That can’t be,” I said.

  My voice got lost among our rapid-fire questions. When did it start? Did he give you better grades? Did he love you?

  It couldn’t be.

  He was mine. He was mine. He was mine.

  Looking at Molly, I thought, how could he be hers too?

  My skin was flayed from my bones, my soul exposed, and no one could see. No one cared.

  I hadn’t even mourned him, so terrible was the idea of him being gone.

  Fury welled in me, a fury that threatened to explode. No one knew my shame, my betrayal, my disappointment. All the pages of his poetry that I had sacrificed in order to save us, and now I would’ve been willing to use them for kindling, if we could only start a fire.

  I sat in the mud, fading in and out of existence, never having felt more alone.

  Viv turned to me. “Are you okay?”

  Someone else spoke, but it came from my mouth, my voice. “Yes.”

  Derek’s mouth hung open in a wide O. “You were bumping uglies with Mr. D? That is some To Catch a Predator shit.”

  “Stop it, Derek,” I scolded.

  Derek took a moment. “I guess you’re right. Molly’s 18. Okay, technically legal. But ethically? Don’t get me wrong, if I was a teacher, I’d probably do the same thing. It’d be like shooting fish in a barrel.”

  “I don’t really want to talk about it.” Molly moved away from us and sat on a fallen tree.

  My head swam. My English teacher had sat next to me on the flight under the guise of being a chaperone. Seemingly random. But the seating assignment had been orchestrated. I sat in the window seat, Johannes in the middle, and Viv took the aisle. In the darkness of the cabin and under a blanket, we held hands. With every bump, he gently squeezed, and his reassurance calmed me.

  Then the plane jostled violently and he quickly jerked away.

  That’s the last memory I have of him.

  My hand, my left hand, the one I held him with was now covered in mud, dirt crusted into my fingernails.

  Looking at Molly, I couldn’t picture her with him. She and I were not alike. We were not a “type.” We had nothing in common. She could not have shared what we had. There was no way. It wasn’t possible.

  But falling from the sky wasn’t possible, either.

  I was learning a lot about what was possible and what wasn’t.

  I walked to Molly and stood above her. She seemed so weak just sitting there. I could’ve kicked her.

  What is the jungle doing to me?

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  “Yeah, you are sorry,” I wanted to say. Instead, I sat down and held her hand. “He was my favorite teacher.”

  Molly seemed surprised by my kindness. “Mine, too.”

  She didn’t look like she was showing. “How far along are you?”

  “About three months.”

  I did the math: I was with him three months ago. Sometimes he couldn’t take my call. Sometimes he was “too busy.” Now I knew why. Still, I needed a reason not to believe. “Are you sure it’s…?”

  “There was no one else.”

  Why had he slept with her and not me?

  She was 18, I thought. That’s why.

  “May I?” I reached my hand out to touch her belly.

  “You can’t really feel anything,” Molly said. “I think it’s too soon.”

  She was right. I touched her skin, pressing against her to find some remnant of the man I loved, and felt nothing.

  My mother’s advice was right.

  Molly could’ve been me. I could be the one pregnant. Something surged inside me, and I couldn’t tell if it was relief or jealousy. I asked before thinking, before I realized that I didn’t want to know. “How did it happen?”

  “It started slow. He smiled at me in class. Told me I was smart.”

  It sounded all too familiar.

  “At first, I thought he was just being friendly. Encouraging, you know?”

  I thought of how he invited the entire class to watch his poetry reading. Was it a ploy?

  Molly continued. “But then I got the feeling that it meant something else.” She trailed off. “What am I going to do, Emily? What am I going to do?”

  I honestly didn’t know.

  We sat on that soggy ass log holding hands in silence. I said, “If you need any help, any at all, just let me know. Okay?”

  She nodded, and I helped her up. I called out to the group. “We’re ready.”

  Chapter 7

  After the crash, I never saw my English teacher’s body. At least, that’s what I’ve told myself.

  I’ve told myself a lot of things.

  Walking in the jungle, I oscillated between anger and jealousy, and thought to myself: how could I hate Molly? She didn’t intend to fall in love with Johannes. She didn’t do it to hurt me. It just happened.

  I knew what was right. But how I felt? That was something else. I’ll say it: I didn’t like Molly. Seeing her made the relationship I had with Johannes feel cheap. Maybe it always was.

  I thought I was special.

  He’d lied to me and I’d believed him. I’d given him my heart.
/>   So much for love.

  I fought the urge to cry. A sea of sadness crashed against me. I would not give in to it. I would not allow Johannes to reduce me any further.

  As my mother might’ve said, you’re not a woman until a man has stepped on your heart. Because only then do you realize how strong you really are.

  I held the last remaining page from his book of poetry; the one with his signature, with his half-cursive, half-block letter writing. The one with To Emily, my favorite student.

  I crumpled it up and it was so moist it nearly disintegrated in my hand. Good riddance, I thought and scattered the pieces like ash into the air.

  My boss at Burger King asked me to cover the register while Derek went on break. I checked the time. Only an hour until closing. The dinner rush was over and time lagged. I was there with my hat and polyester uniform when a woman approached. She might’ve been in her early 40’s and she didn’t seem like the normal customer—no family in tow, no on-a-road-trip weariness, no quick-bite-after-work employee. She went to a professional salon, that was clear: French manicure, hair styled over the shoulder, and expensive clothes. She was trim and in shape, the kind of woman with time on her hands. Still, there was a kindness about her.

  She looked at my nametag and greeted me with a warm smile. “Emily! So nice to meet you!”

  “Um, hi. Can I get your order?”

  “Sure. I’ll have the….” She stopped and considered, her eyes scanning the overhead menu. “Oh, what the heck. I’ll have the Number 2 combo meal.”

  “For here or to go?”

  “To go.” She opened her purse. She rifled through a wad of cash and handed me a twenty.

  “Here’s your receipt,” and I gave her change. “It’ll just be a few minutes.”

  She didn’t move, still smiling. Then it hit her. “I’m sorry. I’m Derek’s mother.”

  Once she said it I could see the resemblance: the longish face and ears that stuck out a little giving her an elfin quality. On her, they were adorable; on Derek, not so much.

  “Derek’s on break. Would you like me to get him?”

  “No, that’s all right. He doesn’t know I’m here.” She leaned in, as if telling me a secret. “He’s told me so much about you.”

  “Oh? Really?”

  “I’m glad he found a nice girl. You seem very nice, if you don’t mind me saying that.”

  “Not at all.” The conversation was making me uncomfortable. “What did he say?”

  “As you can imagine, he’s excited.”

  I stammered. “It’s good to be excited.”

  “Maybe you’ll come over for dinner sometime, and we can get to know you better. I know Derek can be shy about bringing people home.”

  I was too stunned to do anything other than agree. “Sure, Mrs. Wert.”

  “Please, call me Miranda.” She held out her hand and shook mine. “I promise we don’t bite.” From behind me, I heard Derek. “Mom!” He rushed up next to me. “What are you doing here?”

  “Just seeing how work is going.” She turned to me. “Such a pleasure to meet you. See you soon.” It wasn’t a question; it was said as fact.

  “Mom, what did you do?”

  “Nothing.” She winked at me. To Derek, she said, “See you at home, dear.”

  Derek and I watched her leave. As she disappeared out the door, I saw she hadn’t taken her bag of food. I thought of running after her, but realized she hadn’t come for the combo meal. Derek slunk away, totally red-faced.

  I didn’t know what Derek had told his mother and I didn’t want to know. It was just too weird. I decided not to bring it up. No use making the situation weirder.

  Our shifts finished and we walked to our cars together. Streetlights illuminated the parking lot. We smelled like french fries, our shoes were spattered with grease, and our polyester itched.

  Don’t say anything, Derek. Please don’t say anything.

  He asked, “So, what did she say?”

  “Nothing,” I lied.

  “I have to know, Em.”

  “Really, she wanted to meet me…because I’m so personable, right?”

  He let out a long sigh. “I could kill her sometimes. She thinks...you already know what she thinks.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “She thinks….” He scrunched his face, as if in pain. “…you’re my prom date.”

  “What?” Was this his way of asking me out? I didn’t know if it was ingenuous or totally manipulative. I was stunned. I hadn’t given him any vibes that I was interested. I wasn’t. I mean, it was Derek, the very definition of the Friend Zone. “That’s sweet,” I said. “But….”

  “Don’t give me the rejection line, all right? I didn’t ask you, never did, wasn’t going to, so please, don’t. Just don’t.”

  “Then why does she think that?”

  “I had to tell her I was going with someone. Wasn’t gonna tell her no one said yes.” He distractedly kicked a few pebbles. “Never thought she’d actually show up. Moms, right?”

  I felt bad for him. Deep down I knew he was just a guy who wanted to be loved. Didn’t we all? I wondered which girls at school he’d asked and who’d told him no. “I’m sorry, Derek.”

  “I don’t want your sorry. There’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m still going to prom.”

  I tried to be helpful. “A lot of people go stag.”

  “I’ll figure something out. If my mom ever visits again…can you tell her we had a good time?”

  “I can’t lie to your mom.”

  He threw up his hands. “You don’t even know her.”

  “What’s she gonna think when I don’t show for pictures?”

  He slouched against his car. “Who are you going with, anyway?”

  I was going alone. I was going alone so I could sneak some time to see Johannes, one of the chaperones. But I couldn’t tell Derek that. No one knew about me and Johannes. Not even Viv.

  “A guy you don’t know,” I said. “From another school.”

  “Oh. I didn’t know you were dating anyone.”

  “It’s casual.” More lies upon lies.

  “Must be more than casual to bring him to prom.”

  I thought fast. “It’s prom, not marriage.”

  He looked at me, trying to read my face. I wondered if it betrayed me. “Healthy way of looking at it. Look forward to meeting him.” He got in his car. “Maybe he won’t mind if I cut in for a dance?”

  I couldn’t tell if he knew I was lying or not. “See you, Derek.”

  As I watched him drive off, I thought of all the lies I’d already told. I may have seemed normal, but inside, I was suffocating under their weight.

  “Are these grub things all over the place?” I asked Derek.

  “Don’t know,” he said. “As we keep moving, there might be different kinds of plants. I can’t be sure.”

  “Shouldn’t we take as many of them as we can? Like ‘to-go’?”

  “Why?” asked Viv. “We won’t need them, right?”

  Nico said, “No, babe. We won’t need them.”

  “Just in case,” I said.

  “We can’t really keep ‘em in our pockets,” said Ryan. “They might get smushed. Not sure I want them near my junk, either.”

  “Here.” I offered my cross-body bag. “We can use this.” It made me feel good to think I was being useful.

  Molly asked, “Wouldn’t it be easier to bring the nuts?”

  Derek said, “They’ll take up too much room in the bag. And I want to make sure there’s maggots in ‘em.”

  Maggots. I cringed. Anything but that word.

  We picked up as many nuts as we could find and then helped Derek break them open and banged them against the ground. For a time, we were in rhythm, one large drum circle, unified in purpose. Those moments were magical. Our limbs and hands moved in time, and though we weren’t talking, we were listening, communicating with each other, marching to the same beat, a Morse Code of hope.
>
  We must’ve collected 30 or more grubs. I scooped them into my hands and placed them in my bag. It was filled with creepy-crawlies and smelled like pungent compost.

  I placed the bag across my shoulders. But it was Molly who said, “Why does she get to carry them?”

  “It’s my bag,” I said.

  The jungle was screeching and Molly’s voice joined it. “But it’s everybody’s food.”

  “What do you think I’m gonna do? Run off with it?”

  “I’m just thinking worst-case scenarios.”

  “Like what?” I’d been nice to her, and she was giving me attitude? “Newsflash: we’re living a worst-case scenario.”

  The truth didn’t faze her. “I used to play Monopoly with my cousin. He’d be the banker, and all the time he was stealing money.”

  I’m not the eye-rolling type, but this required an eye roll.

  Nico said, “I don’t think Em’s gonna cheat anybody.”

  “As long as she walks in front of me,” Molly said. She wanted to keep an eye on me.

  I was going to ignore her but thought better of it. “Here. Take it.” I offered her the bag. She hesitated. “Go on.”

  The bonds of our trust were breaking, and this was only the beginning.

  Chapter 8

  I came back from my job at Burger King to find the apartment empty. No note from my mother. I smelled perfume, though, something tropical and sugary—the telltale sign she’d had a date. Her bedroom door was open and several abandoned outfits that didn’t make the cut were strewn across the bed. Thankfully, my mother never brought her boyfriends back to the apartment. I don’t know whom she dated, and I was lucky never to meet a single one. I never asked questions and she didn’t tell. I only knew she would be back in a couple hours if the date went badly, or I’d see her in the morning if it went well. Her private life was private, and I happily reciprocated.

  Walking through the hallway lined with cherubs and pottery angel—one of my mother’s interests—I thought of calling Johannes, but he’d warned me he was busy grading papers. Feeling lonely, I called Viv.

  “So, what’d you tell your mom?” I asked when she arrived.